OIL CHANGE

I accompanied Martha to Jiffy Lube. She was in need of an oil change. Not her car but Martha herself. Speaking to the attendant, I pointed out to him that Martha was out there in line behind the Subaru.

"See her?" I asked. "She's the one with the flat tires. She needs a lot of work. Besides her tires requiring hyperinflation, Martha also needs to be jump started. Just put the pincers to her. That should do the trick. And don't forget to check all of her fluids. She dried up years ago."

"But we don't work on people, only cars."

"Think of Martha as a truck. You work on trucks, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Then Martha should present no problems for you. But I must warn you that she needs lots of work. Not just your routine oil change. Besides her tires, fluids and dead battery, Martha needs a front end realignment. She's been out of kilter for years. Then there's her horn which you can clearly hear is stuck in the "on" position. It's from talking on the phone around the clock. I'll slip you a $10 bill if you permanently cut the horn's chord. It would be a merciful gesture to render Martha silent."

"But that would be irreversible surgery, sir. We couldn't take on that responsibility."

"OK $20, then. Is it a deal?"

"All right, for $20 we'll render Martha's horn useless. What else do you have in mind? And be quick about it. As you can see, she is now next in line."

"Well, I hate to ask you this request. But could you look under the hood?"

"Martha's hood?"

"Yes, of course, Martha's hood. For one thing, her pistons and valves have come to a complete halt. Not to speak of her various belts which have obviously become too tight."

"That's a lot of work for a routine oil change."

"But I'm not through. Martha certainly requires a complete tune up. She's been singing off key as of late."

"That won't be necessary, sir, since by cutting the chord, Martha's singing career will become instantly moot."

"I disagree. A tune up will allow her to better compete with her female companions when she hits Bloomingdales and Lord & Taylor."

"OK, but that's it. That is all we can do. Look at this line that has taken shape behind Martha. All of those innocent cars think that the two-legged auto in front of them is here for a routine oil change.

"All right, I'll compromise. If you agree to check out Martha's muffler with special attention given to her tailpipe, we'll call it a day."

"OK. But that's the final item on the list. It's as far as we can go. But you better lie down when the bill comes. It's likely to melt your plastic.

"But there's Martha's chassis. Her trunk has been frozen shut for a decade. Surely an oil change includes a complete grease job. Why 'lube' is part of your company's very name."

"Now you've gone too far, sir. My suggestion is for you to let us just sell Martha for you in her "as is" condition. We'll put her in the showroom right away. Or you could trade her in for another model."

"The tall young blonde behind the desk over there?"

"That could possibly be arranged, though you would owe us $68,500."

"No, that's too much. I'll stick with the new and improved Martha. Once you've done the work on her that we agreed to, she'll be as good as new, except quieter."

"OK, sir. Just sit over there and get ready for the bill. I suggest you suck some oxygen over at our oxygen bar in order to strengthen your immune system so that it, too, is prepared for the shock.

"Speaking of shock, do you think you could check Martha's shock absorbers while you're at it? She hits the ground pretty hard these days.

July 4, 2011